Presence & external validation

I remember at the end of my 2016 summer, one of the big things on my mind was to be more present. I felt like I was always in my own head in social situations, thinking about what to say or do next. It drove me crazy, made me worse off around other people and was a constant cause of minor anxiety.

Over the past year or so I thought that I had made great strides in my ability to be present. I recently realized, though, that what I had thought was more presence was just less anxiety in social situations. I’d undoubtedly say that I feel more comfortable around friends, acquaintances and people I am meeting for the first time now than I did last August. That being said, I don’t think I am much more present.

Instead, I think I have more external validation for how I act. I still think through what I am saying, what my body language is like, and what I need to do to come across in the way that I want. That’s a common person thing, but as I reflect on the moments in my life that I vividly remember, they were times when I was encapsulated in what was happening around me. I wasn’t in my head, thinking about what to say or how to act. I was just being. In a state of flow.

External validation

I’ve had this disillusionment for the past year because when I look at how other people respond to my actions, the overall consensus is more positive. More laughs, more smiles, more seemingly meaningful connections. I’d still consider myself quiet and introverted, but I’d be hard pressed to miss how much more comfortable I feel around other people.

In a lot of ways this is a sign of progress, but progress towards what? The reason that this brings me pleasure is because I get a lot of my self concept based on how I see myself through other’s eyes. What they say to me, how they respond to me, etc.

I’m no expert on ‘happiness’ and I don’t really like the word ‘happy’ but it’s the best thing I have to signify me enjoying what I am doing. And as I have grown over the past year, I don’t know if I’d say that I’m more happy.

I’m not unhappy by any means, but the best thing I have to discern the moments that gave me the most enjoyment and value is the mental constellation of everything that has ever happened to me.

I can think back to moments, conversations and events, and, although by no means perfect and most likely distorted, the emotions that come to me upon memory are ones that I believe to be relatively strong indicators of how I felt during that time.

Let me give a few examples:

When I think back to my six-week trip to Israel before my senior year of high school, I still smile. Looking at photos brings me back, and when I was in Israel most recently, my past trip came to mind often. I had many memories of specific moments, like hikes, singing stupid songs, and even just riding on our bus.

When I think back to the day I found out that I got a bid to the business fraternity that I have inhabited for the past two years, I remember cracking open a beer with one of the biggest smiles on my face.

What’s just as significant as these positive moments are the ones that don’t stick out. All of the times when, from objective standards, I was doing something extremely fun, but when I look back, I don’t have very strong emotions about.

That’s not to say that I didn’t enjoy those things at the time, but if you look at the value of any moment in our life as the total area under the curve of pleasure-pain, that’s not a bad way to discern what an event or action or memory meant to us. Plus, purely economically, that is the total value that the moment gave us.

I bring up this constellation of memories because it’s the best thing I have to try and understand the things that make me the most happy, which is crucial as I try to replicate those things.

It’s not the specific events, though, that create that sense of euphoria. It’s the mindset during those moments, of complete and utter presence.

So, despite the fact that, by objective standards, I am in a better place right now than I was a year ago, I’m not sure how much happier I am.

It makes me question why I continue to look at progress so externally instead of internally. It’s ‘I’ve picked up this new skill, scored this new job, gotten this new girlfriend.’ Not ‘I’ve been spending more time in situations that make me happy to my core.’

Life, man.

:)