Five seconds of silence

Back in May, I was having one of those weeks where I felt low energy and didn’t want to do very much. I was having a hard time motivating to do work, respond to emails and even go to the gym. It had been a sort of weird time for me, but I essentially realized that I didn’t have enough people in my life that I was able to share a lot with. Having to keep my thoughts and ideas bottled in was taking a toll on me.

That was about three months ago now. Since then, not much has changed except that I haven’t had that low energy feeling. The realization of my situation, for some reason, was enough to delay me (for 3 months!) from actually feeling a need to solve it.

I don’t want to come across as complaining

Before I talk more, I want to preface this by saying that I have some amazing friends and I also don’t find myself as someone that has secrets I don’t like to share. I’m super fortunate for both of those facts. If someone is genuinely interested, my thoughts and who I am are a pretty open book.

It’s more subtle than needing more friends or being more comfortable sharing

What threw me off in May that led me to this realization wasn’t that I didn’t have many people to have super meaningful and easy-flowing conversations with, but rather the fact that I had a deviation from my norm. There was a brief period of time where I was able to really open up and feel comfortable talking about whatever I wanted with someone for an extended amount of time. When that source was more or less cut off, I was longing to have it back.

The desire slowly faded as I became more disconnected from the memory, and it hadn’t come back until this past weekend when the same chance to be in open and easy dialogue reemerged.

Now, that window has closed again and I am once more longing for this type of conversation.

What is the difference that makes these few conversations so powerful?

I have been trying to grasp, what is it that only a few people can bring out of me, despite the fact that I have many friends that care about me, ask me about myself and provide me a chance to share what I’m thinking?

This almost euphoric feeling, if you can try to picture it (or have experienced it), is the desire, soon after finish a long conversation with someone to talk to them again, despite having nothing to talk about. That is a telltale sign to me that I am longing to repeat the same type of connection that I just had.

I have a hard time articulating what it is about the conversations that make them euphoric.

I don’t think this is the full answer, but, for one, as I have thought about the people that I would always have an urge to talk with, there are a few baseline traits that seem necessary. Having a genuine interest in me, being content listening to what I have to say without spinning it or budding in, and, often, knowing when to start these conversations. Coming home from a 10-hour day of work is not the time!

I’d say a decent portion of my friends meet those criteria, though. The thing that stuck out with this small group of people that I haven’t seen with anyone else is a comfortability and understanding of the power of silence.

Most people (myself often included) don’t feel comfortable when there are gaps of noise. Or, we constantly want to get in the thing that we have on our mind since we think it will either contribute to the conversation or make us look better.

These people that I am able to have conversations with that make me so happy don’t only ask the right questions. They know when to not jump onto the next question when there is more to be said. The best way to do that is to be silent.

Let’s say I’m talking about an experience that I had in high school. I’ll most likely start that off by talking about the facts. Who, what, when, where, why. For most people, that is enough to jump onto the next tangent or ask the next question. The people that have this deep understanding, though, can see when the 5 W’s just touch the surface. When I have more to say about something. Inquiring about it, though, can be difficult since it’s often that the other person wouldn’t have any idea what to ask.

Instead, being silent, and letting the thoughts come out can be the best policy.

That deviates quite a bit from the norm.

We love to talk about ourselves

We’re all the protagonists in our own story, and we love to share what that hero has been up to. I have found that a fundamental understanding of that has helped my relationships with others dramatically. By nature, though, I have also found that most people don’t give off the vibe that they are interested in what I have to say. (totally okay!)

Despite the fact that I have friends that will ask me “How is San Francisco?” or “what jobs are you going to be applying for next summer?” those questions are just as much cultural as they are personal.

What’s the solution?

Pick better friends?

I’m not really sure on this one. What I do know is that I am someone that is constantly thinking and that I have a lot of stimulation everyday based on the nature of the activities and lifestyle that I pursue. I also know that these moments when I have people to have unconditional conversations with make me very happy at my core. Being able to express deep beliefs or voice an idea that begins to emerge as we speak is an incredibly powerful thing that I can’t quite explain. The power is even more intense when the person we are sharing it with is someone that we care about and when we feel like we are adding important knowledge to them.

The ultimate conclusion is that I need to have more of these conversations, but the question is whether I can elicit them better with the current friends that I have or whether it’s deeper than that, and I need to start spending more time with different people.

That’s tough.

I’m not going to come up with an answer as I’m writing, but I do think I have a plan. First off, I think I have a better understanding of how to get these thoughts out of others that I care about. There are definitely people I spend time with that care deeply about me that I don’t particularly love talking with (at least not in this way) because of the nature in which our conversations flow. It’s where the questions feel piled on top of one another, and I’m repeating myself in almost every word from another conversation that I had in the past with someone else. If others do it to me, I must surely be the same way with people that I care about. Therefore, working on that is one big step.

Being conscious of how monotonous a conversation feels, whether myself or the other person is exploring a new idea and whether I’m walking away feeling exhilarated are good points to look at.

The other important piece is making an effort to be more open and comfortable with those I am talking to. This means taking some leaps of faith to bring up certain topics and not holding back from voicing an idea or thought in fear of being judged.

How applicable is this?

To me, right now, a lot. To you, or others, I’m not really sure. But the conversations that we feel like make us better people and better connect us to others are a crucial piece of life. A lot of that happens naturally, but if there are ways to be more empathetic that can elicit more of these conversations in a comfortable and unforced way, then why not employ them with some sense of urgency?

Can you resonate at all with what I’m saying or have further thoughts? I’d love to talk about it. Hit me up :)

Thanks for reading